Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
