My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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