I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
