if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
