there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
