I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
