how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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