Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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