Even water is tasting like jack daniels
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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