i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Thank you for not boning my boss.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
