My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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