Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
