I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
