The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
