I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
