I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
