moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
