life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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