I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
