I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
