I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
