the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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