This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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