He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So. Much. Porn.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
