i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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