M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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