So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
