When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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