my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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