In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
