Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
