I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
