somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We are two peas in an std pod
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That accounts for only three of the penises
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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