Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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