True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
