sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
