i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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