Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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