Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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