im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
