Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
