did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
