cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
