I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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