Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
