Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
