Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
