Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
