Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
