And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
A+ Viking dick
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
