My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
