Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
