I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
