1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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